The Demons Inside

I have held it together as a confident young lady with a competitiveness and a tenacity on the soccer field that made me someone you probably wouldn’t want to go up against. And simultaneously, my feminity and love for myself has been entangled with lies. Lies about being unlovable and in my warped mind I associated being feminine with being weak and as an athlete that flat out wouldn’t work. The lies about being unlovable come from the world telling me because I haven’t had dudes lined up asking for my number, I must be unattractive or not fun enough, not this and too much of that. You name it the demons change pending the day. Well, it’s been a journey to freedom.

The first time I ever remember being told I was beautiful, I was 19 when a mentor looked me in the eyes over coffee and I tried to avert eye contact because it was so uncomfortable. I thought it was nice for her to say, but she was biased. She would tell me that each time we met and I was cringe inside, get embarrassed, and feel awkward. How could that really be true if I didn’t have a boyfriend and no boys were lining up wanting to pursue me? That was the real question in my mind.

I listen to myself say that and I can chuckle now because I have found freedom. No there’s no dude who has told me he wants to spend the rest of my life with me, but I have grown into myself and found my worth in Christ above what the world says. Living in a love of a Heavenly Father who knit me together in my mother’s womb and has blessed me with a community of family and Jesus lovers who have loved me with an extension of Christ’s love in different seasons of life showing my I am worth it.

I felt conflicted as an athlete about being feminine and in my warped mind you couldn’t be a true athlete and be tough while also being feminine. The girls I lived with in college loved me well and dressed me in things I never would have put on myself, but as I look back that was just the beginning to of the journey to embracing who God made me to be. I find even today it’s easier for me to be more comfortable and more confident in my femininity around people who didn’t know me as the athlete.

In a lot of ways the Lord has protected me and kept a veil over my own view of myself. The veil has slowly been pulled back. I see it. I am comfortable in my skin. I have found freedom in my story and the way Christ has used the incredible community of family and friends along the way to help me see myself the way He sees me, the one he adores and loves unconditionally.

What voices are you going to listen to?

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you’ve got a story to tell…I’ll be the first to encourage you to tell it.

The Challenge to Share

As I have walked life with those around me, I have been encouraged to share bits and pieces of my story because I’ve been told it has the potential to resonate with others...So here it goes. Back to the blog world after a hiatus.

I am the introvert that prefers one on one or small group time over a large group party and can often be found listening. It wasn’t until the last 2-3 years when I have started to more openly share. I didn’t recognize the power of my silence and out of my own insecurity of being rejected and my fear of saying the wrong thing, I withheld many of my inner thoughts. A couple years ago I was confronted by someone who cared about me and she said, “MM, I know you journal, you have thoughts. I know you write them down, but people need to hear them.” That was a pivotal challenge for me. Before being confronted, I honestly didn’t think people cared what I thought and if they did, I assumed they would ask. I didn't plan to bore people with my thoughts and opinions if they didn’t want to hear them so I kept quiet. Little did I know I was building walls.

I took the challenge. I started to share more with those in my inner circle and it was amazing how much more relatable it made me. The more I started sharing, the more others were willing to share. My vulnerability broke down walls. Instead of keeping people at arms distances, it allowed people up close enough to know my hurts and heaven for bid my junk, the stuff that gave me life and the stuff that brought me down. It allowed others to see my humanness.

Try it. See what being vulnerable does to those around you.

Help Me Find It.

I don’t know where to go from here. It all used to seem so clear. I’m finding I can’t do this on my own. I don’t know where to go from here. As long as I know that You are near I’m done fighting. I’m finally letting go. I will trust in You. You’ve never failed before I will trust in You. If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it. If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it? I’m giving You fear and You give faith I giving you doubt. You give me grace For every step. I’ve never been alone. Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way. Even in the valley I will say With every breath You’ve never let me go. I will wait for You You’ve never failed before. I will wait for You. If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it. If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it? I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again). Have Your way my King (I give my all to You). I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see). ‘Cause You are all I need. If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it. If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it
-Sidewalk Prophets

In the midst of life's chaos these last six months as I sorted out location calling, purpose on the job, "work," coaching, relationships,  and another year post college, this song has resonated with my heart. I deem it a life song.

short and sweet.

Where has time gone? The journey does not stop, that’s for sure! I’m in a season of go-go-go and for someone who likes to have a little down time and enjoys a bit of home-body-ness…this season of life has provided some challenges in regards to time. If there’s one thing I am learning, my time is not my own. When I consider coaching a job or the amount of time I spend vs. the amount I am paid, my perspective goes out the door. When I live in the perspective that it is a calling, it’s amazing how much more the Lord is able to use me. When I truly surrendered it is ridiculous how much more blessed I have been. My eyes are off myself and I’m able to give and love ten fold. And well…let’s be honest, it’s hard for me to not love my team--though I can only love them when it is an extension of God’s love for me. On my own I am incapable and clearly insufficient.

One verse that has been impressed on my heart and mind these last few weeks has been Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask for or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us.” Trusting in the truth of this verse I have begun to pray more boldly for desires of my own heart, for those of others and for ways I long to see Him work. I’m expecting to see fruit and in some cases I recognize I may not be able to see the fruit until heaven, but that doesn’t change my prayer. The Lord continues to break my heart for what breaks His and that’s my ultimate desire.

the journey.

In the last 3 months an adventure was squashed, I have moved twice, had three different job titles with the same company and taken on an assistant coaching position. As the changes happened one by one in a short span of time, little has remained consistent. For a person who prefers predictability, routine, and structure I have been challenged to roll with the curve balls and trust the Lord’s hand on me. At times I will admit I lacked perspective for what lay a head due to my own brokenness and fleshly desires for things to go the way I saw fit.

When I return to Portland October 2012, from a year away, I began praying for a place to serve and give myself away in community. The assumption of those around me was that I would naturally lead Young Life. I kept waiting for the call half way expecting it, but honestly not feeling it. I could do it. I would make the most of it…and yet still, there was no tug on my heart. I started to consider the times in my life when I have been the most fulfilled and the experience that came to mind was working 10 hours a day around a bakery table for 3 or 4 week stints with 3 college age girls. This fueled my heart’s desire for intentional relationship, discipleship and walking life with young women who are at such a pivotal time in their lives. Looking back, I would have loved to do life with someone just a few years older with just a little more life experience when I was in college.

Lord knows that the process of me getting on staff to coach happened rapidly with little time for me to actually think too much about the opportunity (which is typically in my best interest or I can easily talk myself out of things due to fear). As it was, with what little time I did have in getting hired and getting started, fear and insecurity found subtle ways to creep in when my flesh was weak. Yet as a follower of Jesus I count nothing as coincidence. I found my ring of scripture cards and took them with me wherever I would go, reminding myself of the Lord’s plan for me and to turn my fear into prayers and to trust Him above all. Heck, He had just been in every detail of a huge life change, how could I discount and not trust in His will?! Some of my conversations with Him would go as such, “Lord. I know it’s not about me, but let’s be honest I can’t do this. Let me rephrase that, I can’t do it on my own strength. Yet I know you have called me to this. You called MOSES of all people to lead people out of Israel. The man had a speech impediment. You equipped David to beat Goliath…with you anything is possible. So Lord, help me to trust and confirm that these steps you intended for me.”

And so it goes. The season began with a game that was a huge learning experience and exposed many of our weaknesses as a team. It also proved to be a wake up call to many of our young players (20 out of 24 players are freshmen and sophomores). Our next pair of games took us south to California where the girls overcame what seem like endless obstacles to win both games and where I realized what an incredible privilege I have to be coaching such wonderful young women of character and integrity. Not only do they make me laugh, but they ask good questions and are eager to learn.

If there’s one thing that is constantly overlooked in sports, it’s the presence of life lessons. It’s discipline, team work, mental toughness, mindset, belief in yourself, dependence on others, communication, time management, perseverance, determination, strength, endurance, focus…these are all things that transfer into the working world. There’s so many more, but those are the first that come to mind. It’s overcoming obstacles…Sports are character building. It’s another avenue in which the Lord can move in and through people.

And I will tell you it is character building as a coach as well. Being new to the realm of coaching…we’ll just say I have a LOT to learn. The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. To be quite honest, I was anticipating that coaching would come a lot easier than it has, but in a way it keeps me humble and dependent on Him instead of my own strength. There are days when my tongue is tied or my brain is fried and I literally can’t process quick enough to provide feedback. There are days when I come from work and I have nothing left in me and somehow the Lord fills my tank and blesses me with just enough energy to coach and be present with the girls.

I’m still trying to find my identity and establish myself as a coach. In a way it’s like this life journey we are on. We are constantly learning more about ourselves through the different experiences we encounter as well as the various people who come into our lives and make lasting impacts. It’s those experiences that shape and mold us. Coaching forces me to reflect back on the impactful experiences I had as a player, the coaches who came into my path, their styles of teaching the game and their lasting impacts on my life as a player and an individual. At the same time it’s like following Jesus. I look back at what He has done in the past, people he has brought into my life and I see His faithfulness, even in the tough stuff, but it is those experiences that continue to have made me, ME.

May this be more than just a story of life and its encounters, but above all may it point to Jesus. Maybe you don’t know Him. Maybe you have never heard of Him. Maybe you know of Him. Maybe you know Him. Or maybe you’re walking with Him. Wherever you are on the spectrum there’s always more to learn.

the unexpected.

I'll be the first to say I am new to the world of blogging. I am pretty certain at one time or another I said I would never have a blog. If I'm completely honest, I have lived under the impression that if people wanted to know something, they would ask, but I don’t need to talk just to talk. A small group leader of mine knew I was a journaler and challenged me to share more because she knew I wrote all my thoughts down, but rarely shared them. The challenge was difficult mostly because I have feared being one of those people that talks too much about themselves or talks about irrelevant things just to hear my own voice. But ultimately it was conversation that challenged and ultimately changed my vulnerability. 

A month or so ago on the facebook "creeper feed" as I call it, another sister in Christ posted an entry giving glory to God in her retail job a Nordstrom’s and how she saw His hand in her work day. I read it and was awed by her boldness to share and as a result I have realized I have things to share that give glory to Him. Who am I to keep those things under the wraps of the pages of my journals? So here it goes. My purpose in sharing is more to bring glory to Him and may it be a reminder of his incredible faithfulness even in the hard stuff.

If you have been in my life as of recently, you know it looks dramatically different than what I had planned a few months back and what I thought the Lord had planned for my life. I continue to cling to Proverbs 19:21 that says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." As a result of my path taking a vastly different direction than I had anticipated, the Lord's hand in every detail along the way has been evident. Everything from getting a job back within the same company I was working with, to providing friends and community on evenings when I was sad and lonely.

I often think, "I don't know how people do it without a real relationship with Jesus." I can't imagine life without Him. I look back at this last chapter in my story and I see his hand in every single detail of him axing my adventure. Not that it was an easy thing to accept by any means, especially when your heart's involved, but it’s been a journey of obedience, trust, faith, hope and ultimately love. It’s been a journey of crying out to Him in the brokenness, disappointment and shattered plans. I can say it has honestly been worth every tear, all the confusion, frustration, madness and hurt that has come along with the decision. Certainly I wouldn’t have chosen to write my story this way, but as I look back, my faith has grown and therefore my relationship with Christ has. His faithfulness and his plans alone have challenged me in new ways and opened my eyes to see the greater depths of His love and intentions for me.

I have grown to see and identify more of what gives me life and who my creator made me to be. I had an adventure planned. It involved moving to another state, finding a new job, coaching college soccer, and making new community. I was excited and nervous all at the same time, had sought His will, surrendered my own and was open to what He had despite the multitudes of unknowns. In my mind it was a leap of faith. Plans fell through and as hard as it was to swallow, I knew the Lord had me and I wanted to trust that His ways alone were better than my own despite the fact that I didn’t like the outcome. I quickly realized I didn’t need to flee the state to do the things I was excited about. My job was paying the bills but I realized wasn’t giving me life and was headed in a direction that seemed more undesirable. I started browsing and had some key conversations where several invididuals challenged me to think about what I really wanted in life. I started applying all over and held my palms open in expectation of God guiding my path.

I emailed a local college coach and asked him what needs he had in his program for coaching, volunteer or paid. I told him enough about me for him to be able to ask more questions, but I didn’t want to bore him with the details of who I was if he had no need. I sent the email and then went to re-read his bio that I had read 6 months earlier and quickly realized our passions and visions aligned tremendously without even realizing it. Long story short, the Lord paved the way for me and I was offered a position on staff. A mixture of excitement and anxiousness loomed, but mostly excitement. I had on my heart passions for discipleship, soccer and fitness and the Lord bundled them all together in a place where I am free to express my faith –and it is encouraged for me to do so as I walk life with the young women on the team.

As a result of my first few weeks, I have found myself reflecting on my college experience, my coaches, the support staff we had and the way things were run. I have become increasingly grateful for my experience and the Lord’s faithfulness to the desires of my heart. The spring of my junior year of college I ended up in the new head coach’s office sharing my story about why I had waited so long to play and what I could bring to the team my first year. Turns out I was an answer to the coach’s prayers in terms of leadership and character and the soccer would be in addition as I had taken 3 years off and was rusty. For Him, he was my dream coach. My junior year of high school when I was looking at colleges and deciding whether or not I wanted to play soccer, I had requirements for what I wanted my student athlete experience to look like. 1) I would only play at a Christian school 2) I wanted Jesus to be apart of the team atmosphere 3) I wanted the coach to profess a faith and have that be an integral part of the environment and team experience. I had forgotten those desires, but after that day in April 2009, I went back and searched through my journals and found out that the prayers I had from 2005 were just now being answered 4 years later.

I wish I could tell you life was peachy keen and I set foot on the field and started every game after 3 seasons away, but it was a journey. A journey in sorting through expectations and seeing the Lord answer my prayers to be humbled by way of soccer. There were many hours that season spent on hotel curbs or in my coach’s office discussing and processing through life lessons that the Lord was using to mold and shape me. One day after sitting two home games in a row, I showed up to practice and my coach knew I wouldn’t be ok with that outcome, he said to me, “If you need to put a picture of my face up on the wall and throw darts at it, I give you permission to do so.” UGH. He knew me well enough to know I would not be accepting the bench seat well, but I also knew the Lord had chosen to answer my prayers by way of soccer. Certainly they looked different than what I expected and He didn’t answer them in the ways I wanted, but that wasn’t my choice, it was how I chose to respond that was my choice. Sure I sat in a pile of my own sorrows for a while, but ultimately I knew I was right where He wanted me.

There isn’t a day that goes by now when I don’t think about the gift of playing college ball in my dream program. Now I am on the other side of it trying to create that dream program for the young women that come to the school and want a faith based experience with coaches who care more about them as children of God than who they are as a soccer player. And I’ll be honest and say most days I feel so inadequate and unequipped to do what I have been called to do, but yet in the same moments I am forced to cling to Him and trust in the fact that he called me to this position in these girls’ lives and He will equip me. So He continues to keep me on my knees for it’s not about me, but about Him.

So….life’s location looks vastly different than I would have expected it to a couple months ago, but the Lord continues to provide as I cling to His plans above my own. Is it always easy? No. Are there moments when fear or insecurity creep in? Heck yes, but those are the times when my eyes are not on Him.

How is He writing your story? Are you open to what he may ask you to do even if it’s uncomfortable or looks different than you want it to look? Are you walking in obedience?