the unexpected.

I'll be the first to say I am new to the world of blogging. I am pretty certain at one time or another I said I would never have a blog. If I'm completely honest, I have lived under the impression that if people wanted to know something, they would ask, but I don’t need to talk just to talk. A small group leader of mine knew I was a journaler and challenged me to share more because she knew I wrote all my thoughts down, but rarely shared them. The challenge was difficult mostly because I have feared being one of those people that talks too much about themselves or talks about irrelevant things just to hear my own voice. But ultimately it was conversation that challenged and ultimately changed my vulnerability. 

A month or so ago on the facebook "creeper feed" as I call it, another sister in Christ posted an entry giving glory to God in her retail job a Nordstrom’s and how she saw His hand in her work day. I read it and was awed by her boldness to share and as a result I have realized I have things to share that give glory to Him. Who am I to keep those things under the wraps of the pages of my journals? So here it goes. My purpose in sharing is more to bring glory to Him and may it be a reminder of his incredible faithfulness even in the hard stuff.

If you have been in my life as of recently, you know it looks dramatically different than what I had planned a few months back and what I thought the Lord had planned for my life. I continue to cling to Proverbs 19:21 that says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." As a result of my path taking a vastly different direction than I had anticipated, the Lord's hand in every detail along the way has been evident. Everything from getting a job back within the same company I was working with, to providing friends and community on evenings when I was sad and lonely.

I often think, "I don't know how people do it without a real relationship with Jesus." I can't imagine life without Him. I look back at this last chapter in my story and I see his hand in every single detail of him axing my adventure. Not that it was an easy thing to accept by any means, especially when your heart's involved, but it’s been a journey of obedience, trust, faith, hope and ultimately love. It’s been a journey of crying out to Him in the brokenness, disappointment and shattered plans. I can say it has honestly been worth every tear, all the confusion, frustration, madness and hurt that has come along with the decision. Certainly I wouldn’t have chosen to write my story this way, but as I look back, my faith has grown and therefore my relationship with Christ has. His faithfulness and his plans alone have challenged me in new ways and opened my eyes to see the greater depths of His love and intentions for me.

I have grown to see and identify more of what gives me life and who my creator made me to be. I had an adventure planned. It involved moving to another state, finding a new job, coaching college soccer, and making new community. I was excited and nervous all at the same time, had sought His will, surrendered my own and was open to what He had despite the multitudes of unknowns. In my mind it was a leap of faith. Plans fell through and as hard as it was to swallow, I knew the Lord had me and I wanted to trust that His ways alone were better than my own despite the fact that I didn’t like the outcome. I quickly realized I didn’t need to flee the state to do the things I was excited about. My job was paying the bills but I realized wasn’t giving me life and was headed in a direction that seemed more undesirable. I started browsing and had some key conversations where several invididuals challenged me to think about what I really wanted in life. I started applying all over and held my palms open in expectation of God guiding my path.

I emailed a local college coach and asked him what needs he had in his program for coaching, volunteer or paid. I told him enough about me for him to be able to ask more questions, but I didn’t want to bore him with the details of who I was if he had no need. I sent the email and then went to re-read his bio that I had read 6 months earlier and quickly realized our passions and visions aligned tremendously without even realizing it. Long story short, the Lord paved the way for me and I was offered a position on staff. A mixture of excitement and anxiousness loomed, but mostly excitement. I had on my heart passions for discipleship, soccer and fitness and the Lord bundled them all together in a place where I am free to express my faith –and it is encouraged for me to do so as I walk life with the young women on the team.

As a result of my first few weeks, I have found myself reflecting on my college experience, my coaches, the support staff we had and the way things were run. I have become increasingly grateful for my experience and the Lord’s faithfulness to the desires of my heart. The spring of my junior year of college I ended up in the new head coach’s office sharing my story about why I had waited so long to play and what I could bring to the team my first year. Turns out I was an answer to the coach’s prayers in terms of leadership and character and the soccer would be in addition as I had taken 3 years off and was rusty. For Him, he was my dream coach. My junior year of high school when I was looking at colleges and deciding whether or not I wanted to play soccer, I had requirements for what I wanted my student athlete experience to look like. 1) I would only play at a Christian school 2) I wanted Jesus to be apart of the team atmosphere 3) I wanted the coach to profess a faith and have that be an integral part of the environment and team experience. I had forgotten those desires, but after that day in April 2009, I went back and searched through my journals and found out that the prayers I had from 2005 were just now being answered 4 years later.

I wish I could tell you life was peachy keen and I set foot on the field and started every game after 3 seasons away, but it was a journey. A journey in sorting through expectations and seeing the Lord answer my prayers to be humbled by way of soccer. There were many hours that season spent on hotel curbs or in my coach’s office discussing and processing through life lessons that the Lord was using to mold and shape me. One day after sitting two home games in a row, I showed up to practice and my coach knew I wouldn’t be ok with that outcome, he said to me, “If you need to put a picture of my face up on the wall and throw darts at it, I give you permission to do so.” UGH. He knew me well enough to know I would not be accepting the bench seat well, but I also knew the Lord had chosen to answer my prayers by way of soccer. Certainly they looked different than what I expected and He didn’t answer them in the ways I wanted, but that wasn’t my choice, it was how I chose to respond that was my choice. Sure I sat in a pile of my own sorrows for a while, but ultimately I knew I was right where He wanted me.

There isn’t a day that goes by now when I don’t think about the gift of playing college ball in my dream program. Now I am on the other side of it trying to create that dream program for the young women that come to the school and want a faith based experience with coaches who care more about them as children of God than who they are as a soccer player. And I’ll be honest and say most days I feel so inadequate and unequipped to do what I have been called to do, but yet in the same moments I am forced to cling to Him and trust in the fact that he called me to this position in these girls’ lives and He will equip me. So He continues to keep me on my knees for it’s not about me, but about Him.

So….life’s location looks vastly different than I would have expected it to a couple months ago, but the Lord continues to provide as I cling to His plans above my own. Is it always easy? No. Are there moments when fear or insecurity creep in? Heck yes, but those are the times when my eyes are not on Him.

How is He writing your story? Are you open to what he may ask you to do even if it’s uncomfortable or looks different than you want it to look? Are you walking in obedience?