The Demons Inside

I have held it together as a confident young lady with a competitiveness and a tenacity on the soccer field that made me someone you probably wouldn’t want to go up against. And simultaneously, my feminity and love for myself has been entangled with lies. Lies about being unlovable and in my warped mind I associated being feminine with being weak and as an athlete that flat out wouldn’t work. The lies about being unlovable come from the world telling me because I haven’t had dudes lined up asking for my number, I must be unattractive or not fun enough, not this and too much of that. You name it the demons change pending the day. Well, it’s been a journey to freedom.

The first time I ever remember being told I was beautiful, I was 19 when a mentor looked me in the eyes over coffee and I tried to avert eye contact because it was so uncomfortable. I thought it was nice for her to say, but she was biased. She would tell me that each time we met and I was cringe inside, get embarrassed, and feel awkward. How could that really be true if I didn’t have a boyfriend and no boys were lining up wanting to pursue me? That was the real question in my mind.

I listen to myself say that and I can chuckle now because I have found freedom. No there’s no dude who has told me he wants to spend the rest of my life with me, but I have grown into myself and found my worth in Christ above what the world says. Living in a love of a Heavenly Father who knit me together in my mother’s womb and has blessed me with a community of family and Jesus lovers who have loved me with an extension of Christ’s love in different seasons of life showing my I am worth it.

I felt conflicted as an athlete about being feminine and in my warped mind you couldn’t be a true athlete and be tough while also being feminine. The girls I lived with in college loved me well and dressed me in things I never would have put on myself, but as I look back that was just the beginning to of the journey to embracing who God made me to be. I find even today it’s easier for me to be more comfortable and more confident in my femininity around people who didn’t know me as the athlete.

In a lot of ways the Lord has protected me and kept a veil over my own view of myself. The veil has slowly been pulled back. I see it. I am comfortable in my skin. I have found freedom in my story and the way Christ has used the incredible community of family and friends along the way to help me see myself the way He sees me, the one he adores and loves unconditionally.

What voices are you going to listen to?

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you’ve got a story to tell…I’ll be the first to encourage you to tell it.